Journal Entry

So I was reading through one of my journals the other day and I came across the entry that is below. I wrote it one Sunday when I had stayed home from church because I just needed to be alone with God. I needed to get away from the routine that had become worship and to sit alone with God. I sang a couple of songs and then just prayed. Then I decided to journal a little and this is what came out. Maybe you can relate to some part of it.

My heart aches to be close to you; to feel your joy and your peace all around me. To know that though I sit alone in this quiet empty apartment…you are here. Finally grasping the fact that I am no longer alone that I have a lover with me at all times. I know you have already given me more than I could ever comprehend; that your blessings are infinite and impossible to count. That day in and day out you are walking beside me helping me, carrying me …loving me. Yet there are times I can not feel your gentle touch. Times when I can no longer hear your soft whispers in my ear. These are the times I have left you for another. I have cheated on you; I fell into the arms of another lover. But you wait for me still. You sit there softly calling me back; longing to hold me in your arms again. True Love. That is what your love is. It is not like the other lovers. It does not fill you for only a short time and then leave you feeling alone and empty. Your love calls to me all the time; it fills me completely and never seems to run out. It is a love without conditions, a love that binds me to you and I am yours. You still love me when no one else seems to. You want me when all my other lovers have left me; dirty, bruised and broken. They have taken so much from me, I am so weak and it is hard to hold on any longer. That is when you and your perfect love step in. You sew me up and bandage my wounds. Then you pull me close to your chest and it is there that I will find the rest that I ache for. In your arms life takes on new colors. The world no longer seems so dull with nothing to keep us going. It is now vibrant and alive; there is so much to be done and you are asking for my help. But I look at myself and all these wounds and scars, how could I ever be of use to you? I am….broken. But you tell me that you can use me just as I am. That there are people with wounds just like me. Your love sparks a fire in me; a consuming fire ready to set a flame anything that it touches. I am ready to serve you and to work along side you. You have to help me at first. I am still worried about what they will think of my scars. You have to point me to the people you want me to help. Then I begin to realize they are not looking at my scars, but that they see you! You are shinning through me and for a moment all my wounds and scars disappear and there is only you. Then I begin to desire to see this beautiful new world through your eyes. That I might be able to see who is hurting...who is broken...who is scarred...who is in need of your love. And when I did not think I could burn any brighter the fire you lit inside of me takes on a shade of blue. It is hot now and there are so many torches that need to be lit. You are strengthening me each day, fueling my fire, fueling my soul. Then a rough time comes; a bucket of water is thrown on my fire. It does not get extinguished but it is no longer burning as bright. I have messed up yet again, another scar to add to my collection. I had grown accustom to the routine in my life. I had grown satisfied with the life I had lived, but routine and satisfaction were the buckets that drowned my consuming fire. My eyes and ears had been closed; I thought I was doing well. I had become the person you wanted me to be. But I had not. I finally made my way back to you. Once again I find you waiting… waiting for me to come home… waiting to wrap your arms around me… to lay me against your strong chest. Waiting to wash me clean and fix me up; to give me the rest I needed to get back on my feet again. Then we head back out into the world; looking for people to love. It takes a while for me to regain my confidence and for my fire to burn bright and hot again. Now it finally does, with your help. Now I must try not to become satisfied, try not to get stuck in a routine, but to live each day as if it were my last; to let your fire burn within me and through me.